


Impulsivity

by katdemon1895



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
Genre: Also borrowed the Rotfang conspiracy, BAMF Hermione, Crack, Explosions, F/M, Fluff and Crack, He said it was okay, Hermione always has a plan, Hermione is not the damsel, Rescuing the Damsel in Distress, Tags Are Fun, borrowed Rorschach Blot's Dark Lord Tim, except now, no plans to continue, not really a crossover, time AND reality warp, time means nothing and never will again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-18
Updated: 2014-03-18
Packaged: 2018-01-16 04:18:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1331632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katdemon1895/pseuds/katdemon1895
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What do you mean you don't have a plan? You're Hermione! You always have a plan!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Impulsivity

Harry Potter was quite sure that not even the Mirror of Erised could come up with a vision that would make him happier than what he was seeing at that very moment.  
He had been kept locked up, magic bound, and physically confined in a two meter by two meter room for he didn’t even know how long it was now. His captors had at least fed him, using magic to make food appear, but it had been at such irregular intervals that he couldn’t even judge time by his meals.  
And all of it had been thank to some complete moron who just had to stick his overly long nose into where it wasn’t wanted or needed. The moron just had to interfere with a delicate experiment and because of the moron’s interference, time had been thrown completely out of balance. While Harry had remained free, he’d seen dinosaurs being chased by American revolutionaries and quite a few ancient Greek warriors running around while biplanes and possibly a flying saucer had been zooming through the sky.  
Amidst all that chaos, apparently a number of dark lords and ladies had inexplicably returned from the dead along with the dinosaurs and Harry was fairly sure that one of them was responsible for his capture. Which one, he wasn’t entirely sure, but at least whoever it was had been kept busy by all the other dark lord and ladies and so had not come to finish him off. They’d also taken his left sock.  
Though after however long he’d spent in his cell, he had come very close to wishing that his captor had come to kill him. He had not seen anyone since his incarceration began. His only light came from multiple never out candles. There were enough that he could see clearly but, as the name implied, they never went out. His only source of water came from a small trickle in the corner which continually drip, drip dripped into a hole in the ground. He’d tried and failed to make the hole any bigger. There were no other openings anywhere that he could find. He couldn’t even figure out where the smoke from the candles disappeared to.  
Not now though. He couldn’t even contemplate death with such a wonderful sight before him. He was actually going to get out of this place!  
“Well?” his glorious savior demanded, “Harry, your bonds are broken. Hurry up, we haven’t got much time before the Dark Lord Tim’s forces discover that I’ve circumvented their security.”  
The frank scolding from his savior brought him back to his senses.  
“Right,” he managed to croak, his voice weak from disuse, “Sorry Hermione.”  
Without another word, Harry climbed out of his cell to stand at the side of his best friend. Though his magic had been kept from his use for much longer than he cared to imagine, it eagerly answered his call. He could feel the tips of his fingers sparking with his excess power and grinned viciously as Hermione handed him his familiar holly wand and then the elder wand.  
“So what’s the plan?” Harry asked quietly as they snuck through the strangely empty halls of the fortress. He was trying very hard to be both stealthy and gentlemanly. He wasn’t sure that Hermione was precisely aware of the effect that her leather pants and tighter looking than usual t-shirt had on a man but it was more than a little distracted.  
“Not sure,” Hermione replied in a far too casual tone, “I’ve just been winging it.”  
Harry stopped, which was a bit lucky. A blast of red light sped past Harry’s face, just barely missing him, and a shower of dust and bits of stone exploded outwards. Had it not been for the bits of rock slicing into his face, he would have ignored it. After all, this was a sign of extreme danger. Hermione, reliable, forward thinking, efficient and organized Hermione didn’t have a plan.  
Without thinking, Harry shouted, blindly grabbing his friend’s hand and ignoring the pain from the cuts the bits of rubble had carved into his flesh when the wall had been cursed. Hermione’s hand found his easily and the two began to run as quickly as they could. Though he had been without magic, Harry had not been wasting his time in his cell. His body was as healthy as he could be, despite his lean diet, and so he kept pace with Hermione easily and could have outpaced her, if he’d any notion of where they were going.  
“Come on, come on!” he heard Hermione mutter while he kept trying to clear his eyes, blinking and encouraging tears to get rid of the dust that had obscured his vision. He could hear people yelling behind them and he absently flung a few spells, not really expecting to hit but he was pleased when he heard a number of pained cries. He felt Hermione take the lead as they ran and began to throw a few more spells now that he didn’t have to worry about Hermione being in the way.  
“There!” Hermione called and Harry’s vision had cleared enough to see light shining through an open door up ahead.  
“So what do you mean you don’t have a plan?” Harry demanded as they ran.  
“Is now really the time to be asking this?” Hermione panted, turning back to glare slightly at her friend. The glare quickly melted as she also caught sight of everything that was chasing them but it had lasted long enough.  
“You always have a plan,” Harry said insistently, his voice gaining strength as he spoke, “You never just run into something head first!”  
“Of course I do!” Hermione protested hotly as they continued to make their way to the door, “I’m a very impulsive person!”  
“Name one instance!” Harry challenged his friend. He threw a few more spells behind them, spells to make the floor as slick as ice and spells to blind whoever they hit. He heard more screams and smiled while Hermione seemed to be speechless. She opened her mouth to say something,  
“Now doesn’t count!” Harry said quickly and Hermione’s mouth shut with an audible snap. Then a light came to her eyes.  
“I punched Malfoy!” she pointed out and Harry considered this.  
“Fair enough,” he acknowledged her point but went on, ignoring it just as quickly as he had agreed, “But still! That's one time in over a decade! You always have a plan! You’re Hermione! It's synonymous with plan!”  
“As flattering as that is, we just established that I don’t always have a plan!” Hermione shrieked as they finally reached the doorway. Hermione stopped and Harry nearly fell into her, knocking them both into the lake that stretched from the door way out as far as they could see. In the distance perhaps there was a smudge that could be land but Harry couldn’t be sure. However, more importantly, there was a sea plane just a meter away from them.  
“What in King Arthur’s court?!” Harry exclaimed and Hermione laughed slightly.  
“Time and space are all mixed up Harry,” Hermione said breathlessly, “And King Arthur’s court? Really?”  
“Merlin got old fast and I only know so many muggle curses,” Harry explained, “I had to pass the time somehow.”  
“Fair enough,” Hermione conceded, “Now come on. The Order’s finally managed to find a place that’s stable enough to give us a good base and apparently there are only thirteen dark lords to deal with.”  
With that statement, she began to wade into the water and proved that the lake, at least within reach of the plane, was much more shallow than it seemed.  
“Thirteen?” Harry sighed, “And it took us forever just to get rid of one.”  
The man who conquered quickly shut the door behind him and used every spell he could think of to bolster it and the surrounding wall. The glassy floor behind them had bought a little bit of time but a little more never hurt.  
As soon as he finished, he slogged through the sucking, muddy floor of the lake’s shallow area to the plane where Hermione had already climbed into the pilot’s seat. He could hear shouting and feel the force of whoever or whatever was behind those doors pounding against the barrier, shaking the surrounding earth.  
“Come on!” Hermione encouraged him and the young wizard finally managed to free himself from the clinging lake floor and flip into the sole passenger seat, nearly crushing a python that rested on the seat.  
“Sorry,” he hissed when the snake began to get agitated, “There’s a big snake in the plane Hermione.”  
“It belongs to the guy who lent me the plane,” Hermione informed her friend as she guided the plane along the lake, preparing to take off, “Its name is Reggie.”  
Harry looked back to see the door of the fortress blown to pieces just as they finally took to the air.  
“So, thirteen dark lords, really?” Harry shouted as they gained altitude and the wind made it difficult for him to even hear himself.  
“Yes,” Hermione affirmed and Harry looked down at the shrinking fortress.  
“Is the Dark Lord Tim one of them?” Harry asked, “And do you know if he was in the fortress?”  
“He’s one of them,” Hermione shouted back, “And he must have been there or else I don’t think his forces would have caught onto my getting to you so quickly.”  
“Does he have any horcruxes?” Harry asked when he failed to remember anything about the Dark Lord from the admittedly poorly remembered history lessons.  
“No,” Hermione answered promptly, “Dark Lord Tim was best known for his negotiating skills. He was named a Dark Lord after a particularly gruesome battle against the Rotfang League during which he assumed control of a considerable territory. He was stopped by Lord Henry I. Jones the second and his loyal retainer, Sir Perry. The defeat had something to do with a volcano. I don’t remember precisely.”  
That was all the information Harry needed. He took the elder wand and concentrated on just the right shot.  
The screaming hordes of the Dark Lord Tim were in the fortress, struggling to figure out some way to chase after the prisoner and the upstart who had stolen the prisoner. They were also trying to figure out who would draw the short straw and tell their illustrious master that the boy he had planned to use as a bargaining chip had managed to get away.  
“What dat?” asked one of the particularly dull, almost trollish, servants of the Dark Lord Tim. He pointed to the sky.  
The brighter servant sighed but looked up, expecting to see a bird or some other common object. His eyes widened as instead he saw a giant ball of fire hurtling towards them.  
“RUN!” the man screamed.  
Up in the sky, the little sea plane was lost its equilibrium as a massive explosion occurred behind them.  
“Harry,” called Hermione. She did not dare to look around.  
“If Tim was in there then we should be down to just twelve dark lords,” Harry said firmly.  
Hermione was silent for a long moment.  
“Alright then,” she said at last and they continued to fly away from the blazing fortress and back into the fray to fight against the Dark.

**Author's Note:**

> complete crack inspired by far, far too much caffeine and far too little sleep


End file.
